Climbing to the top

A view just below the end of the Castle Dome hike at Castle Crags Wilderness.

I’ve wanted to visit Castle Crags for years…and every time I’ve driven by I’ve been in awe of the beauty and have been so curious about what it looks like up there from the peaks. If you haven’t seen this majestic landmark, the crags can be seen from Interstate-5 just outside of Dunsmuir, Ca.

The peaks mysteriously rise up to a height of 6,500 feet, showing off their ancient beauty and are surrounded by chaparral, dogwoods, and fragrant cedar, pine and fir trees.

A trip to Mt. Shasta prompted me to stop at Castle Crags for, in my mind, “a quick hike on my way home”. I had the whole day to spend enjoying nature and seeing the beautiful area, as the State Park itself has 28 miles of hikes. I knew I wanted to hike to Castle Dome to see the views and to see the crags up close and I’d heard of views from the crags where you can see Mt. Shasta.

The young woman working at the park station told me a little about the hike and how to get there. “It’s only about a 5 mile hike,” she said. “It’s the best hike in the park, but it is pretty steep.”

I knew it would probably be a bit challenging, but I’m strong (check), I hike pretty regularly (check) and perhaps most importantly, I had the motivation (check).

I just knew I would be fine because I’m strong, and am used to higher elevations. She didn’t tell me the hike was an advanced trail or anything, so I drank a bunch of water, made sure my water bottles were full to the brim, put a snack in my backpack and was good to go. Any “regular hike” of five miles isn’t too tall an order for me. “I’ll still get down the trail and back to the car at a decent time for the two hour ride back to Chico,” I told myself with full confidence.

The trail from the beginning was stunning. Tall, old ponderosa pines and cedars lined the trail which reminded me of walking in a Northern California coastal redwood forest. I had a slight smile on my lips and I felt so full of gratitude for the beauty of the park and happy with myself that I finally decided to stop and check out the crags.

I continued to walk, up and up and up, and after the first half mile or so I found myself panting and questioning if there would ever be any plateau or flatter part of the trail. But I didn’t slow down just yet, I kept going up and up and up. As I continued, it seemed to become an more steep of an incline, I found myself out of breath and pausing at a tree here and there to let my heart rate slow. But I was used to the elevation—I’m in high elevations relatively often, so I didn’t think it would have too much of an effect on me.

After the first mile into the trail, there was a marker. The nice thing about the trail is that it’s really well kept, my feet felt padded by the forest floor, but it just kept climbing higher and higher. “You can do it, Jane!” I told myself out loud. But the steepness did not quit. I felt my face get really hot, and I new I was bright red like a tomato, which happens when I’m exercising and get really hot.

I began talking to myself out loud even more, “You got this, you’re fit!” I breathed heavily and stopped next to a tree to help give me strength. I wondered if anyone else ever climbed up this trail, it looked well trodden, but I still hadn’t seen anyone and I was hiking for probably about an hour when I started to wonder about that. I let myself move slowly and took some video and a few pictures.

As I sat and rested, a young man walking briskly came up the hill and passed me, which motivated me to keep moving. I got up from my perch and as I continued the climb, and allowed myself to pause from time to time and take in the views….it was incredibly beautiful everywhere I looked. A few other people coming back down from the peak passed me and gave me encouraging words.

“It’s going to get a little more trecharous soon,” one man said as he looked at what I imagined to be sympathy at my red-hot face. “It’s not too much further, about a half a mile or more.” That normally wouldn’t sound to bad to me, I can do a “normal” half mile no problem, but at this incline, I was questioning myself.

Yet, it was motivating to know that I wasn’t too far off, however slowly I needed to move. I soon passed a teenage girl and her father on the hike, they were going slow and resting because she was getting over a cold and was coughing a bit from the hike. We encouraged each other and I was hopeful that I seemed to be moving a little more quickly than they were.

It wasn’t long before I reached a beautiful area that plateaued. I was surrounded by the peaks and it was amazing! I thought to myself, “Ok, this is it, this is all I need!” as I breathed heavily and felt the sweat dripping down my back.

But the trail kept going. I felt myself get a little dizzy, so I stopped under a large manzanita bush and sat down to drink water. The man and his daughter smiled and passed me as I sat and argued internally with myself that I was almost there, it couldn’t be more than 10 minutes or so, I could see the dome from where I sat! My inner motivator won, and I started back on the trail, but it wasn’t long before I realized I wasn’t actually on the trail, I was just on a dry water run-off with lots of pebbly rocks that provided a slippery opportunity for my feet.

“This isn’t the trail, turn around,” I said to myself out loud. At this point, I could feel my legs were shaking and I was finally able to admit to myself that I probably had heat exhaustion. I went back to the manzanita bush and clearly saw the trail that I had missed. “Don’t do something dumb. You can stop now, you’ve gone far enough.” I looked at the trail sadly, now resolved to let it go and just let the shade cool my body temperature as I worked to rehydrate myself.

I laid down and felt my body become heavy on the dirt below me. I closed my eyes and fell asleep for what was probably just a few minutes, and when I opened my eyes again, it really sank in how hard I was pushing myself.

In that moment, I was reminded about how much I’ve really been working to not push myself too hard! I felt sad at this realization as I allowed myself to rest and reflect on what just happened. I looked around at the amazingly beautiful place I surrounded myself in.

“Look how far you’ve come already,” I said to myself. “Look at how beautiful it is here in this place, in this moment.” I let tears stream down my face at the reality of this sank in.

When the father and daughter passed me on their way down the mountain, they stopped to talk to me, concerned. I shared that I probably had heat exhaustion, and they were kind to offer to wait for me. “I don’t want to leave you here alone,” he said, concerned.

“I’m right behind you,” I answered. “I’ll follow you and won’t be too far behind.” Having them to follow down the mountain was a helpful motivator. I kept them in my view so I didn’t get too discouraged, and they would turn around from time to time to make sure that I was still there.

My legs were weak and shaky and felt like they wanted to collapse. Walking downhill was just as hard as walking up, and I tried to keep thoughts out of my head that I didn’t know how I was going to make it down. The motivation I had at the beginning of the hike wasn’t so convincing anymore, and I felt a little scared. I didn’t know how I was going to have the energy to put one foot in front of the other, but I still kept going.

The steep trail made it challenging for me, but I kept moving. I found myself wondering how I was going to have the strength to drive for two hours after I got down the hill, and even considered calling my friend in Dunsmuir to stay the night before heading home.

I kept going. I invited the encouraging voices to return. “You can do this, Jane, you’re stronger than you know!” I felt teary and shaky, but seeing the young lady and her dad just ahead of me helped keep me going.

And then, finally, I was down at the car park. A surge of relief washed over me as I chugged water, adding electrolytes to one of my bottles. I took off my dirty hiking shoes and poured cool water over my legs and feet, and splashed water on my face and neck. Tears of relief flowed down my cheeks and after I let myself rest a little longer, I made the two hour drive back home.

There was so much for me to reflect on from this experience. When I was hiking up the crags, I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong. I wanted to prove that I had stamina and that I could keep going, even if it was hard. But as I reflected, I realized that this is something I do NOT need to prove to myself again and again. I know that I’m strong. I know I have stamina. I know that I have the strength and the tenacity to see difficult situations through. I’ve done this over and over in my life. So why did I think I still needed to prove this to myself?

Not only that, but why has it been so hard for me to look around to see the view of where I am now? To see all that I’ve built, how I’ve grown and evolved? When I was on top of the plateau, it was so amazingly beautiful, and in that moment, it hit me hard. THIS view is perfect. I don’t need to go any further, where I am is absolutely perfect. The trees are amazing, the sky is beautiful and the view from that vantage point is absolutely stunning.

In that moment, I knew why I needed that experience. I needed to be reminded that I am more than enough. Everything I’ve accomplished is beautiful, and is so fulfilling already. My life is full of beautiful things, people, including my job which I love. I can rest here. I can enjoy the view, and really savor what is already here. If I keep pushing myself at a time when I’m not ready to move forward, I could really hurt myself, or get sick.

There is value at finding our own pace in life, whether that be slow and steady or not. We aren’t meant to power through life 365 days a year. We aren’t even meant to climb every mountain. The body has cycles, our lives have cycles, and the more we can respect those cycles, the more we will learn about ourselves, our needs and desires, and “achieve” the life we want to live.

Our cultural programming often tells us to push through, to keep going, even when we are exhausted, but where has this gotten us? Pausing, or stopping when we need to can be really healthy for our growth. It doesn’t mean we’ve given up, that we won’t try again or do more in life. Rest is greatly undervalued in our culture, and it’s pushed us to exhaustion, anxiety and depression. What do we really need to prove to ourselves or anyone else?

In my short time on the planet, I’ve accomplished quite a bit, so it’s safe to say that this cultural programming has gotten to me: “Push harder. Do more. Get another certificate. Study more. Be more. You’re not enough.”

This program is bullshit. We are already enough. I am enough. There’s nothing anyone needs to do or to prove to make us worthy of the love of another, ourselves or the Divine. Just by being here and doing our best, makes us enough, even if when there’s a need to slow down and rest!

If we can enjoy what is currently around us, there is no need to strive for more. Nothing beyond what we have now will make us more happy or more content. We will only find contentment in ourselves and lives if we can be aware of what is here in the present.

If we look inside ourselves, we know this to be true, we know nothing “out there” will make us better, happier, or more content. Even though we will strive for more, the paradox is that we can only be content with what we are striving for if we can be content with what we have now. That of course does not mean we have to stop making goals or moving forward. We are always moving forward and always will be moving forward. We can never stop the motion of the Earth, therefore, we can never stop the motion of our lives. We can remind ourselves that when we find those moments of stillness, life hasn’t stopped, we are merely observing and integrating all we’ve done and created.

What we are moving towards will find us if we can remove the idea that we actually need something outside of ourselves to be happy. In a culture that teaches us to always look for more, that we need more, it can be challenging to find contentment with what is. In order to do this we must cultivate an appreciation for the good in life that isn’t material: relationships, nature, a job, laughter, love. When we can really fill ourselves with gratitude for these things, then we can look at our material lives with more appreciation. This will automatically cultivate contentment, even if we have to remind ourselves of this each day.

The mountains we climb in life will always give us the lessons we need. And at every step on our way is forward and up, even if we feel we’ve taken steps back. It’s up to us to look around to see what’s already here. It’s up to us to choose how we want to see what’s in front of us, and where we want to go from there.